


Pieces

by Eternalxblossom



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:14:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21783517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eternalxblossom/pseuds/Eternalxblossom
Summary: Hailey's thoughts as she stood by Jay's hospital bed after the events of 7x09...(One-shot)
Relationships: Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Comments: 2
Kudos: 39





	Pieces

Pieces…that was all she had now.

As she found herself lying by Jay’s side, blood-shot eyes struggling to stay open but not daring to fall shut, Hailey fell into a calming, grounding rhythm, one only he could induce. She was following and counting every quiet breath he took, exhaling the same time he did, the steady beep of the heart monitor in the hospital room confirming that he was, in fact, alive.

_Barely._

But she never once doubted he was a fighter, a survivor. 

Her faith in him had always been unbreakable, relentless even. Much like the red string of fate holding them together, in spite of any distance, real or imaginary, it could be stretched thin, but it would never be broken. If you asked her, there was _nothing_ this brave, beautiful, kind-hearted man couldn't face. Maybe with an iron strength and effortless grace like she's never seen in anyone, maybe even with a slight smile tugging at his lips, in spite of all adversity, lighting up even the darkest of all circumstances...

It wasn't fair that he was only granted those...for far too many times to count.

She just wished he didn't have to face it _alone._

Not then....not _now._

She just wished she could have _more._

Then… _and_ now.

With a weak, barely perceptible smile etched in nothing but tenderness, she watched him, features softening into a longing, _revealing_ stare. If only she could gift him with half of what she was feeling, clawing at her chest, begging to be set free, right now. If only she could be brave enough to let it show, openly for him to see...put her heart on the line, openly, for him to take.

He already had it. All he needed to do was reach out and grab it.

But she never let him. 

Now, more than ever, she ached to.

Ever since the day they met, all she did was run away from him.

Now, more than ever, she ached to stop.

If only she could see just _how_ much love she held under every tentative flicker of her gaze at this very moment…the sheer weight and warmth of it could turn the universe around, render it a little less twisted, a little less cold…

Similarly broken sky-blue orbs traced his every feature in a spellbound daze, from that coarse stubble adorning his chin that she dreamed of touching with her fingertips every morning to that worried crease on his brow that she always saw…but never quite managed to chase away.

Jay _seemed_ at peace now.

But _she_ wasn’t.

She knew better. He might be covered in a clean hospital gown and a blanket on top, but his wounds were far from healing…in all understandings of the expression. The sight of his bloody frame being carried away on a gurney while a symphony of mixed, concerned medical voices echoed from all around would forever haunt her. It would stay etched onto her optic nerve for years upon years to come. It was a gruesome scene, a special brand of torture designed specifically for her...

Cut straight out of her _worst_ nightmare…

It wasn’t a sight fit for someone like him, _worthy_ of someone like him.

She’s seen Jay Halstead in a million ways before…but this, right here, was one she never wanted to witness…ever again.

Another tortured, pained look…and Hailey shifted away, swallowing hard.

Pieces…that was all she had now.

Her eyes shut tight almost painfully.

They didn’t make a _single_ frame fade.

Fractured memories of the last hours invaded her every sense, crawling underneath her skin in a deadly mix of hopelessness and anger, doubled by urgency, panic and a thirst for revenge she never thought she'd ever feel, let alone be capable to.

It was mere hours ago that Jay was kidnapped...because of _her_.

Jay was lying on a hospital bed now, clinging to his life…because of _her._

She failed him….like she failed everyone else.

Jay had been tethering on the edge of a cliff, bleeding profusely, calling out for help even when his hope diminished like a flickering candle. Jay fought, despite not even knowing if he’d make it out alive. All the while, _she_ could have prevented it, had she been smarter, read the signs better…sooner.

She had no right to sigh in relief now, to contemplate the image before her with something akin to wistfulness…the view of the man she loved more than she thought she could ever love someone lie peacefully, almost angelically…but she could have sworn she just saw Jay’s lips move…

Maybe she was going mad…

With a heavy, drawn-out exhale, Hailey inched closer, then squeezed his hand tighter, every move charged with pure yearning, fingers drawing soothing circles on his skin, in hopes of bringing that same sentiment back to her…

It didn’t work.

Her heart was _still_ a warzone.

And Jay was the best soldier she knew…

She would have given anything for his back-up right now.

But maybe his lips hadn’t moved…she just dreamed they have. She just dreamed they would someday touch her own, the same way he already touched every inch of her torn body and soul. With every casual touch and kind word, Jay fixed her…

And she never gave him _anything._

Not even protection. Not when he needed it the most.

She shouldn’t berate herself for trusting Jay’s instincts when she _knew_ , deep down inside, that he would have done the same in return without a shred of hesitation, without batting an eye. Voight didn’t hold it against her, _he_ understood…

Then why did _she_ feel like she failed him?

Why did _she_ feel like she should be there, instead, clinging to her life now….not him?

When she heard his body drop to the floor with an earth-shattering thud, as the roaring sound of that single fateful gunshot pierced through the air, she could have sworn her last breath got sucked out of her, could have sworn the light in her own eyes vanished when his fell shut, helplessly…

Hailey would give _anything_ to take his place right now, force anguish and torment, so tragically unfit for a soul like his, straight out of his tired arms and back into hers, carry them both herself…

 _She_ could take it.

She _wanted_ to take it.

If only she could turn back time, make it so that _he_ wasn’t in danger in the first place, warn him, stop it somehow, take his burden and carry it herself, ease his guilt and suffering…

Because _that_ was what partners did for each other.

She deserved to be there, not him.

She let Jay carry it alone…

She was too late. 

Maybe the torture she was feeling now was poetic justice, the universe settling the score, the right price to be paid...

 _Her_ sentence.

Hailey ran an angry hand through her hair, that same angelic, calming view from before that chased away her demons now filling her chest with unbearable _guilt_. She paced back and forth in Jay’s hospital room, urging the chaotic click of her own steps against the floor to lead her somewhere, anywhere better than this place she was stuck in…

 _Remorse_ was all she had.

Maybe, all along, it didn’t matter how hard she tried, how low she stooped, even resorting to using an innocent child as leverage to get some info on Jay’s whereabouts. It didn’t matter that she pushed every single string she could…because, in the end, she failed…

When she reached him, bruised and battled, instead of helping him up, she let him out of her sight…

A split second was all it took…

And when he fell down, all the fragile pieces that still kept her together shattered all the same…

Because it wasn’t the first time she almost lost Jay…

How could she let it happen _again_? How could she be so _goddamn_ irresponsible?

This time, she feared it was forever…

In a panicked frenzy, she ran down the stairs, each loud rumble of her steps matching her thunderous heartbeats as his rapidly faded away. Relentlessly, breathlessly, she searched for him, not even caring about her own life or if she got shot in the process, too.

She didn’t even disarm Angela..

All she saw was Jay…

All she heard was his steady voice in her head, too gentle, too reassuring…

All she saw were his lips parting with words she never once deserved…

_Let me know if you need anything_

_Not in time for this unit, for us_

_I’d follow you anywhere_

She towered over Jay’s chest, starting compressions frantically, her shaky, weakened hands and pale, dry lips aching to breathe life back to him...and not even halfway managing. But she wouldn’t stop trying even if it was the last thing she did. She pushed again and again and again…

With _her_ last breath…

Because _he_ deserved it, not her.

 _He_ deserved to live, not her..

And when the rest of her team barged in, they all tried to pull her away, one by one. She didn’t even register Adam’s rough grip on her shoulders, desperately trying to pry her off of Jay’s limp, numb body. As his blood lingered all over her fingertips, it marked her with yet another cruel reminder of failure, one she'd wear forever like a seal…

 _Her_ failure…

To protect him…

As life seeped out of him, all she had were pieces…

She would have given anything to see those blue eyes one last time.

_“He’s gone, Hailey..”_

She was, too..

All she had was a heartbeat now, not a heart…

Because when his stopped…so did hers.

She wouldn’t listen. To anyone.

They were wrong. Adam was wrong. He had to be.

She pushed and pushed and pushed…

She lost track of how many times Jay’s heart stopped then…and in the ambulance after…

But she’d _make_ the paramedics try harder, she’d kick and plead and urge them to take her heart and give it to him, take everything she had, if they had no other option…

Because she couldn’t live without Jay.

And when he coughed, eventually, ragged and low, a choked rumble erupting from his chest like a flash of lightning bringing him back to her, it struck Hailey even more...because they were linked together, now and forever. She had to be forcefully pulled away yet again just so she wouldn't crush him with heavy arms and even heavier desire…

But her eager arms lingered in the air regardless, aching to touch him, hold him close and never let go...

With a pained half-smile, his warm gaze zoomed in on her in return as he clutched his bandaged side, halfway sitting up right. And it wasn't long before Hailey broke down completely, tears she could no longer contain or even thought she could produce anymore falling into endless streams, coating pale cheeks..

He thought she was beautiful…

More beautiful than he’s ever seen her.

“H-hailey…?”

She thought he was a beacon of light.

Her name on his lips never sounded better....

“Shh…it’s okay." 

Hailey didn't know who she was speaking to more...

But as his hand found her cheek with a soft, feather-light touch, thumb ghosting over a single stray tear, her heartbeat returned...

"D-don't cry on me...partner."

 _He_ was breathing life into her now...

"I'm trying..."

"Well try harder...because crying will not be tolerated..."

He was alive...

"Shut up..."

They were alive.


End file.
